Missing In Action

I know it's been quite a while since I touched base with the blogging community and the truth is my answer to "Where have you been?" is two-fold: I've been busy and I've been sad.

Busy
Not long after my last post, I got a job. I applied for and interviewed (twice!) for an Executive Assistant position at a non-profit, was one of the final two candidates - and didn't get the job. However, apparently I made enough of an impression, and they asked me to interview for another position (a program assistant). I got that job. Now I've been there a month.

Actually, I can hardly believe that last statement is true but, there it is. The world of non-proficy (?? hahaa...ahhh, good times) is a lot to absorb. It's complicated, complex, and surprisingly interesting. The organization I work for is kind of like a middle-manager: we get grants from the government, match them with private funds and then re-grant them out to organizations that provide services (health care assistance, economic opportunities, case management, etc.) to homeless families. We track the organizations, the success/failure of the programs, and ensure compliance with the terms of the grant (so essentially we're micro-managers) all while providing technical assistance for our grantees (not IT, but rather, how to successfully do X or screen for Y or whatever) as well as apply for new grants from the government and advocate (read: pester) our local and federal legislators to be sure funding is secured for our programs. Sounds like a lot, eh? Well it is.

The nuts and bolts aren't really particularly important to you, so I won't get any more detailed (convoluted?) than that, but I will tell you that my job is specifically to support the grantwriting and evaluation team. If that sounds dry and boring, well it is a bit. However, the people who do that work are really awesome and the work they ask me to do, while administrative, is pretty intellectually challenging, so I like it. It's not teaching, but it's what I can handle right now, so I'm happy about it (and you should be too). Plus, did you know that non-profits have bomb benefits? 'Cause they do. Or, at least this one does. WAAAAAY better than my old job. That's for sho'.

Sad
The reality is also that even though I have been busy establishing my new life in Seattle (which really is going well, don't get me wrong), it seems that everything reminds me of mom. Whether its a movie we used to both love (The Untouchables, Bull Durham, Diggstown), some project idea that pops into my head (hmm, I need curtains. How should I do that? I know I'll ask...oh, yeah), a song on the radio (this actually happens more often than you'd think) or something I know she'd get a kick out of - she's just constantly in my thoughts. There seems to be no way around it.

Mostly the brunt of it hits me when I'm alone (because let's face it, I'm still the same optimistic, slightly naive, happy-to-be-around-other-people person I've always been). So when I come home, watch some show mom and I used to watch, eat some cookies (man, she really loved cookies), or get some random project idea, my heart feels like it's actually constricting with loneliness for her. My eyes brim with tears and I let out a small wail a lá Mary Tyler Moore, "Oh mom!" and indulge myself in a moment of weepiness. I suppose this is probably pretty normal, especially since I'm only 28, still a kid in my mind's eye, and it's only been four months. So I'm trying to go with it and "grieve healthy."

One of the side effects of this, however, is a marked listlessness. Doing anything outside of what is considered absolutely necessary (things like say, blogging) requires an immense amount of energy. But I've recently come to realize that even though it's important to let myself grieve, it's also really really easy to slip into a kind of spiraling self-pity and that's not okay. (Besides, I'm getting kind of tired of just being a bump on my couch.) So in order to help temper the unhealthy - here I am! (Although, ironically, this activity requires me to sit on the couch...I guess I could sit on the floor - but that's not really the point.)

Anyway, all that to say: that's where I've been. For now, I'm going to attempt to churn out some content more regularly, but I have no idea what's going to come out when I actually sit down to write (so be forewarned!) but I hope you'll stick around anyway. :)